During my school days, when I got to know the concept about fight and flight, I could easily place myself in the later.
I was always a runner when it came to relationships. When things started getting serious I began doubting my commitments. The word 'permanent' was never for me and maybe won't ever be. Those perfect relationships scare me. I can't handle the intensity. I opt for running away. I'm of the types who wouldn't want anyone to build his/her around them; the typical down-to-earth, practical, career-first kind of girl. What if they couldn't fit in my plans? Maybe I'll go abroad, travel the world or never leave my home town. How can I expect them to adjust for me? How would I detach myself from them then?
Thus I start those small fights, those skirmishes, to get him over the edge. Maybe he'll pick up the signs and leave. He'll back off. I can't push anyone away. No. That's not me. I distance people. I stay away. Black them out. It makes them blameless. The blames on me. It's always on me. I'm not the best of the communicators when it come to relationships. And it's much more painful than a real fight. The guilt, it remains, lingering there, for a long, long time. I can't shake it off. It's like the thorn. It's constantly pricking and it won't come out. There's no way out.
Do I regret running away? Yes.
Because the pain just keeps accumulating. I miss him but I know what I did was for the better. That's the only solace but it's never enough. We were once inseparable and now it's like we never knew each other. That head on my shoulder during the crisis at his home. How can I ever be able to forget that? Those tears were just for me to see. Only I was the one who was allowed to penetrate the shield. Would I ever be able to forget that?
I was always a runner when it came to relationships. That's why I turned to material things for comfort and peace of mind. They never questioned me. They never expected anything from me. Those Sachi and Khaadi and Micheal Kor aren't anything yet they are everything. They are my substitute to all the humans I have distanced myself from.
Would it always remain like this? I don't know. Maybe I'll learn from my mistakes. But haven't I already learnt to live alone? Is it possible to unlearn?
I was always a runner when it came to relationships. When things started getting serious I began doubting my commitments. The word 'permanent' was never for me and maybe won't ever be. Those perfect relationships scare me. I can't handle the intensity. I opt for running away. I'm of the types who wouldn't want anyone to build his/her around them; the typical down-to-earth, practical, career-first kind of girl. What if they couldn't fit in my plans? Maybe I'll go abroad, travel the world or never leave my home town. How can I expect them to adjust for me? How would I detach myself from them then?
Thus I start those small fights, those skirmishes, to get him over the edge. Maybe he'll pick up the signs and leave. He'll back off. I can't push anyone away. No. That's not me. I distance people. I stay away. Black them out. It makes them blameless. The blames on me. It's always on me. I'm not the best of the communicators when it come to relationships. And it's much more painful than a real fight. The guilt, it remains, lingering there, for a long, long time. I can't shake it off. It's like the thorn. It's constantly pricking and it won't come out. There's no way out.
Do I regret running away? Yes.
Because the pain just keeps accumulating. I miss him but I know what I did was for the better. That's the only solace but it's never enough. We were once inseparable and now it's like we never knew each other. That head on my shoulder during the crisis at his home. How can I ever be able to forget that? Those tears were just for me to see. Only I was the one who was allowed to penetrate the shield. Would I ever be able to forget that?
I was always a runner when it came to relationships. That's why I turned to material things for comfort and peace of mind. They never questioned me. They never expected anything from me. Those Sachi and Khaadi and Micheal Kor aren't anything yet they are everything. They are my substitute to all the humans I have distanced myself from.
Would it always remain like this? I don't know. Maybe I'll learn from my mistakes. But haven't I already learnt to live alone? Is it possible to unlearn?
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